I got a message from an ex-girlfriend the other day asking me if I still had any photos. Obviously, I do, because I don’t delete anything. Ever. I could tell you exactly what I was doing on almost any given day for the last ten years of my life. If I look at a photo’s EXIF data, I can even get down to specific minutes of the day. It’s as interesting to view if you’re an outsider as it is the bane of my own existence. I never really get over anything (whatever the fuck that means), I just become numb to it with time. I don’t ever stop thinking about shit. I bet I think about every person I have ever dated at least five or six times a day. It’s not healthy.
And it’s just so damn weird to put something like this together.
Opening up my Photography folder is like ripping a wound wide open, over and over again, and I guess it’s just extra weird today. It’s so damn odd to recollect photos for somebody I spent my entire adolescence with, only this time omitting any part where I’m obviously present. She didn’t ask me to do that, but why the fuck would she want that shit? 99% of the time I don’t even want it…I just can’t ever bring myself to delete a folder. Deep down I know the memory is there for me regardless. I can’t just put those in a recycle bin. Christ, if I could only do that.
June is just a shitty month for memories. At least for me. They’re either all so bittersweet that they’ve just turned bitter or they make me sad to the point where I want to crawl in a hole and disappear forever. Birthdays, anniversaries, deaths of my favorite people — it’s really hard to handle sometimes.
Of all the mistakes I have made in my life, nothing compares to that one. But life keeps moving, faster and faster, and I just get more numb. Deeper and deeper.
I know I won’t make the same mistake twice though. Maybe that counts for something. I’m not a bad guy I just deal with stuff very, very poorly.
It’s my crown of thorns, I know that, and I’ll wear it. I will. Just don’t expect me to be proud of it for a god damn second, because I’m not. A lot of people ask me why I made such an exaggerated jump from maintaining a personal blog to only showcasing my art. What everybody has missed though, at least so far, is the fact that it wasn’t an intentional change on my part.
At some point, art was the only thing I had left.
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